Struggling and Provision

Can I just confess that it's been a really tough week?  I've struggled with grief, sorrow, anger, doubt, fear, regret, and to top it all off - laziness.  Tuesday was so hard I could hardly stand it.  As Michael read our nightly devotion the tears flowed, but I didn't want him to know because I couldn't explain them.  Of course it's kind of hard to hide tears when you use 15 tissues in five minutes or something.  Alas.

While I've struggled this week God has been sweet.  In both Bible studies that I'm currently engaged in He has spoken.  In Daniel we learn in all things God is sovereign.  And we see that all through scripture He tells His people what He's going to do.  Did you know that according to Daniel if the religious leaders had been paying attention to dates alone they would have known that Jesus was their Messiah when he rode into Jerusalem on the colt of the donkey?  Isn't that amazing?  And even now He tells us through His prophets what's coming in the future.  He's given us a heads up.

Yesterday He spoke in another way.  I was playing catch-up with the other study last night. In it the author, Kelly Minter, tells of going to a guitar sale where the man selling them had never even opened the cases -- much less played them.  Expensive guitars.  Like more than I would pay for a car guitars.  Kelly likened that to us having gifts from God yet never opening them.  Pretty interesting thoughts.  I'll let you ponder those in your own life.

She also talked about provision.  How God always makes provision for our needs and for what He's called us to do.  Remember Abraham and Isaac?  And remember how God called Abraham to go and sacrifice Isaac?  And how Isaac asked his Dad where the lamb was? And Abraham answered  him, 'God will provide.'  And He did.  We see in a few verses down that God provided a ram whose horns were caught in the thicket.

So God is sovereign, and God has provision.  The weight of this week has been oppressive, but I know that God is in control and He will provide.  Last night He sent me to Psalm 116. Yes, I cried, and no, the weight didn't go away.  But I know that He is sovereign, that He will provide, and that He is right here with me as I struggle.

"I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because He inclined His hear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live."  ~Psalm 116:1-2


"The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations."  ~Psalm 33:11

Stop! I Don't Want to Hear This!

At some point in the not so distant past our pastor was taking us through 1 Peter on Sunday mornings.  Peter may very well be my favorite apostle - if one can have such a thing - because it seems I have many of his same character traits:  Hoof and mouth disease, boldness to the point of obnoxious, reckless abandon, some deep-seated need for attention, denial of core beliefs, and deep shame for all of the above.  For Peter, grace was not cheap.

As we were going through the book we came to the portion which deals with elders.  One of the Suggested Reading resources was a daily devotional book, While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks, written by Dr. Timothy S. Laniak.  It was referenced in our Sunday School class as well so Michael asked me to order one for each of the boys (who are men by the way), and to order us one.  Oh boy!!!  Another book!!!  It was done.

In this book, Dr. Laniak has written devotions based on his years of living with and researching shepherds and their flocks in the Middle East and other places.  His experiences have brought new meaning and insight into scripture's many references to shepherds, flocks, lambs, etc.  Mike has been reading aloud a devotional each night before we go to sleep.  It has been wonderful.

Except last night.  I'm not sure I can relate on paper what is in my heart regarding last night's reading.  My heart is truly heavy.  It hurts.  Maybe we should have known by the title?  "A Living Sacrifice"  John 10:11  In this entry, Dr. Laniak, who has been educating us on how well the shepherd knows his sheep, relates that 'he desired a more direct and even intimate experience with the process. . . .[he] needed to be the one who slit the throat of a harmless, patient, perfect lamb.  I had to be responsible for its death. . . . . I needed to express physically what I had done to the Lamb of God.'  And then in gut-wrenching detail he tells of his experience.

As soon as Michael started reading I wanted to shout, "Stop!  I know where this is going and I don't want to hear, see, or feel it!"  It reminded me of watching The Passion several years ago, when I wanted to close my eyes when the beating of Christ occurs and when the nails were hammered into his hands.  I wanted to close my eyes, but God wouldn't let me. I needed to SEE what my sin had done to the Lamb of God, who laid down his life for me. And the lamb didn't fight back. It didn't struggle. It lay there quiet and still while Dr. Laniak cut its throat, and the life-giving blood ran out. . . . .

"But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.  He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth."  Isaiah 53:5-7

"There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Immanuel's veins;
And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains."


I guess some days we just need to be reminded . . .

Purposed and Performed

Several years ago while reading in Jeremiah I ran across this verse:  "For the Lord has both purposed and performed what He spoke concerning the inhabitants of Babylon."  I have no idea why I was reading in the 51st chapter, but the 'purposed and perform what He spoke' jumped out at me like a rubber band used to fly off a friend's finger with absolute accuracy.

For the next few weeks I ran across several verses:
Job 36:5:  He is mighty and firm in His purpose. . .  Isaiah 46:10-11:  I say, "My purpose will stand.  What I have planned, that will I do". . . Isaiah 14:24 & 27:  'as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.'  For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart Him? . . . Proverbs 19:21:  Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. . .  There are many, many more, but I think you get the drift.

God started purposing and performing about a year after that to move us to Oklahoma.  He was not only in the big details, He was front and center in the small ones too.  And I do mean ridiculously small.  It still makes me laugh out loud to think of some of the ways He proved to us that His purpose was to move us to Edmond, Oklahoma.  And He also performed it.

On February 21st God's purpose was to usher Dad into His very presence.  The swiftness with which he was gone is startling.  We still had at least another year, or so we thought. My purpose was for Dad to live through his 90's -- drinking coffee in one of the rocking chairs on my back porch each morning and watching the cardinals fly from tree to tree singing their beautiful songs.  He was also supposed to draw silly caricatures of his great grandchildren, just as he had done for his children and grandchildren.  There was supposed to be crossword puzzle books strewn through the house waiting for the veteran solver to finish them. There was supposed to be a hiding place with Hershey Miniatures of which everyone knew.  And of course, there was always to be more stories about days gone by.

And even as we were going through the motions of getting details worked out for Dad's funeral, God showed us again that He purposes and performs what He speaks.  When we were deciding on what topics would be spoken of, Nathan requested to see Dad's Bible.  In it we found his notes from the last Sunday School lesson he had taught - probably back in August.  Nathan blanched as he read the title -- Going Home.  And of course, the reference was John 14.  It was one of those moments that will be etched in my mind for all of eternity.  We didn't know whether to cry or laugh.  It was an overwhelming moment to be sure.  And . . . we went to the funeral home to see Dad.  And . . . stitched into the inside lid of the casket were the words . . . Going Home.

God Almighty, in His wisdom and unconditional love, purposes and performs to bring us to Himself.  God has taught me through the years there is no such thing as coincidence. Why?  Because He purposes and performs.  And He uses the big things, and the small things, to let me know He is close, that He cares, that He loves me, and that He has it ALL figured out.  Even when His purpose is so different from mine, I can trust Him.

I remember many years ago when a friend lost her full-term baby boy at birth.  It was painful and traumatic.  She spoke of people sending all kinds of books for her to read, and she read most if not all of them.  But I'll never forget the testimony she had for us young mothers that morning.  It went something like this:  "The one place I know I can go for real comfort is to God's Word -- this book.  It has been our foundation, our rock, our hope.  God is who will get us through this."  She was right.

I hope you know Him -- this God who purposes and performs that which He speaks. There's room for you.  He is always calling.  He is our Foundation.  He is our Rock.  He is our Hope.  Philippians 2:13 says this:  "It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose . . ."  Sweet, sweet comfort.

Untitled?

It's been so long since I've stopped by!  Where has the time gone?  What in the world have I been doing?  It's been one of those nightmare things.  You know the kind.  You miss doing something once, then twice, and then the longer you put it off the more difficult it becomes to start again.  God has not stopped revealing wondrous truths -- I just haven't been sharing them.  So much speculation on the whys.  Alas.  Let it be said that I've missed this blog.

In January I signed up for a Precept study on the book of Daniel.  Somehow it seemed safer than the new Beth Moore study on James.  Ha!  This week we are on Chapter Three.  It's where 'the boys' refuse to bow down and worship Neb's huge golden image.  (The class has come up with some nicknames for the characters - I love it.)  One of our cross-references is Deuteronomy 4 and then on to Ezekiel 6:9.  They are about idols and other gods.  Which has been interesting because this week a group of us girls are starting Kelly Minter's study "No Other Gods".  Can't wait.  What has me intrigued this morning is the passage in Ezekiel 6.

"Then those of you who escape will remember Me among the nations to which they will be carried captive, how I have been hurt by their adulterous hearts which turned away from Me, and by their eyes which played the harlot after their idols; and then they will loathe themselves in their own sight for the evils which they have committed, for all their abominations."  I talk a lot about freedom, about captives being set free.  Freedom from fear, freedom from rules that lead to conformity and oppression.  But this verse goes to the very heart of freedom.  It's hard for me to put this into words, but I shall try nonetheless.

When I think of freedom, I'm not talking about being free to do as I please.  God tells us to be holy, because He is holy.  But He also points out that the only way we can be holy is because of His gift, which is Christ's atonement for us.  Jesus paid the penalty for me - and for you.  And when we accept that gift, the Holy Spirit comes and indwells us.  So ultimately, Christ lives through us.

The freedom in that is this.  God changes me from the inside out.  He changes my attitudes.  He reminds me that the guilt over the past is paid for.  He reminds me that the cost of my disobedience has been met.  The self-loathing, pity party stuff that Satan throws at me should be forever cast off - because again, Christ has atoned for that.  And none of it is about what I've done.  It's all about God.

He knew who I was, and He loved me anyway.  He knows I'm going to hurt Him, and He loves me anyway.  It's not about rules, it's about relationship and unconditional love.  It doesn't matter what you or I have done in the past or what we will do in the future.  It's about mercy and grace and love.  And because God has so graciously extended that to me, I can graciously extend that to you.  I don't know what evil dwells in your heart, but I sure do know the evil that dwells in mine.  It's ugly and mean and hurtful and angry.  But God - He's changing all of that in me.  I'm a work in progress.

And Ezekiel knew.  He knew we would need to be freed from self-loathing.  He knew because God knew, and He told him in chapter 6 verse 9.  The people who turned away from Him would loathe themselves in their own sight for the evils which they have committed . . ."  Our self-loathing can become our idol and our excuse.

Freedom and life.  It can only be found in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 5:1  It was for freedom that Christ set us free;  therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

The Outside Lights

Tonight Mike and I met for dinner at Ted's.  Yummy!  We haven't found anything bad on the menu.  And it's Mexican food.  And they serve queso and salsa with chips and freshly made flour tortillas as appetizers.  And they have a relish tray they'll bring if you want.  We don't eat out much since I've stopped working, so when we do it really is a treat.

All of that to say that when we were driving home it was dark outside, not dusk, but dark.  I think Jeanna turned the outside lights on this afternoon at 4:30 p.m.  Really.  If there's anything that 'bothers' us about Oklahoma it's how early it gets dark in late November, December, and January.  It kind of creeps up on you and before long you're turning on the outside lights at 4:30.  Craziness.

We are going through the book of 1 Peter on Sunday mornings.  You know, the epistle written by that apostle who was always saying or doing something to get himself in trouble? Yeah, then he comes back and says in the first chapter, As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy."  And how exactly do you walk that out without being an obnoxious jerk???  Alas.

Peter gives us clues as he fleshes out his letter.  The speaker Sunday said, "Our lives should be marked by private purity, and an exemplary pattern in public life, trusting that this will have an impact on the world around us."  How do we have private purity?  We throw off evil deeds, we allow Christ to take our thoughts captive, we flee youthful lusts, we confront evil with the truth of God's word, we put on the armor, we think on good things . . . the list could go on.

And we know all these things, and the closer we walk with the mind of Christ, the easier it is to become involved in the lives of others.  Messy, I know.  And when we think we're getting the hang of it - Wow, if we're not careful we might still really believe that sin is what it says it is . . .  Whoa, hold up a minute -- I want to make sure you understand that last sentence.  The speaker said Sunday, "Isn't it fascinating that we still really believe that sin is what it says it is?"  Ponder that.  It's important.

If we're not paying attention, the darkness kind of creeps up on us, and before we know it we're turning on the outside lights at 4:30.  And that IS craziness.

Hard Lessons Learned

It's been a busy week.  One of my Frozen Yogurt Thursday friends texted me early this morning.  "What?",  says I, "It's Thursday already???"  Oh dear.  I know all of you have had weeks like that.

We left Edmond Saturday afternoon after a quilting class and headed to Abilene (ultimate destination Odessa, because it's spectacular).  It was then that Kami (one of our awesome daughter-in-laws) mentioned the Penn State event.  Friday had been so busy that I only heard the broadcasters mention Penn State.  I just figured it was another round of the regular NCAA violations drama unfolding - with Penn State being the new target.  It wasn't until Tuesday evening driving home that I finally heard the whole story.  Mike will testify that the more I heard the quieter I became -- heading back to never never land.

That 2007 year?  You know, the one I'm always mentioning?  My co-workers and I learned a lot of hard lessons that year.  And to clarify - we followed the letter of the law.  We did everything and more regarding policy, expectations, and legal ramifications.  CPS and law enforcement were brought in early on, and we worked diligently with both agencies.  I would like to share with you some of the lessons we learned in hopes that if you ever find yourself facing anything similar you'll have an idea of what needs to be done.

Lesson One:  When you are around a group of people everyday, all day long, you start seeing what you expect to see.  You don't notice different nuances, attitudes, etc.  It's like being around someone who is slowly but surely gaining weight but when you look at them? they are the same size as always.  (I know, bad example, but you know what I mean.)

Lesson Two:  When you're in the situation of Lesson One and someone outside the group comes in and hangs out for a while then pulls you aside with concerns about what they see?  LISTEN and investigate. Their perspective is extremely valuable and usually right on the money.

Lesson Three:  When kids start talking about something, and they bring it up over and over? LISTEN and investigate.  More than once I've been told something and have then followed up on it.  Investigations were completed, etc. and nothing concrete could be determined.  But - when the 'story' refuses to die?  (and this can go on for days or even months)  It's time to get the big guns out and get down and dirty.  Every time a story wouldn't go away -- it was happening -- even when it was the most ridiculous story of all. And I'm not talking about someone just 'reporting' something -- I'm talking about casual conversations and little snippets that you hear when no one has their 'guard' up.

Lesson Four:  When you have six people doing the work of twelve things happen that shouldn't.  Especially when two of the six have traumatic life experiences outside of work with which they are dealing.  Exhaustion does not bode well for those in someone else's care.  If you know those who work for an agency, and they are on the edge because of work hours or work load would you be brave enough to be an advocate for them?  See Lesson Two.

After reading the timeline provided by CBS Sports and the Grand Jury report I am appalled. I am angry.  Paterno, McQueary, and Spanier should never have been allowed back onto the campus when this story broke. There were lots of people who knew what Sandusky was doing, and they chose not to act.  God help them.

Please be an advocate for your children, and not only yours, but others who may not have an adult in their life who is on top of things.  Be persistent.  Be an adult - a responsible adult.  Don't bury your head in the sand.  So far we have nine victims.  Trust me, before it's all over there will be many more.  And it could have been stopped over ten years ago.  If only they had followed the letter of the law.

By the way, NCAA violations sound like a walk in the park.  Yes?

Failure Isn't Final

I've been a little quiet on the western front lately.  Has anyone noticed?  Probably not. I've been hiding/mourning since my Texas Rangers let a World Series title slip through their fingers because they couldn't get one strike - twice.  Oh, the disappointment of it all.  Oh, the SHAME of it all.  So much so that I couldn't bring myself to watch Friday night, and I haven't listened to any of my usual sports venues since.  Sports have ceased to exist at my house.

Overreacting you say?  Fair weather fan you say?  Perhaps.  Except that I still have a closet full of Ranger gear, and eventually the pain of losing will fade.  And my boasting will remain silent for a time, but then they'll do spectacular again, and I'll have to be ridiculous. 'Tis the way of the sports world.

You've heard the saying, "Christians shoot their wounded."  Right?  And like you I can remember specific incidents in which that has happened.  We do so like our rules and regulations - and that grace word?  - well, surely you know that if you break one of the many 'laws' (spoken or unspoken) it no longer applies to you?  And we know that because . . . . what?  You mean scripture doesn't back that up?  As one of Jason's classmates at HSU once said,  "Well, I disagree with Paul here . . ."  (really, a classmate did say that)

Anybody ever read the story of David?  Yep, I'm back to 2 Samuel.  David was such a good boy in 1 Samuel.  And then his tiara got a little tarnished.

It was spring, and he didn't want to play war.  So he ended up with Bathsheba.  And it went downhill from there.  He committed adultery, he betrayed one of his longtime friends, he used others to do his dirty work, he committed murder, and he was an absent father.  And those are just some of the things we read about in scripture.  I mean, he may not have used the KJV exclusively, and he probably liked contemporary music.  The horror of it all.

And yet at the end of David's life we see that he has been front and center in his kingdom. He's made preparation for the building of the temple, he exhorts, he encourages, he challenges . . .  At his death there is no mention of his sin -- only his length of tenure, where he reigned, and that he died at a ripe old age.  And in other places he is called 'a man after God's own heart.'   Repentance.  Grace.  A life celebrated.

God's forgiveness is real.  And if God can forgive what is our problem?  It says to me that we have set ourselves up as god.  Blasphemy in its purest form.

Failure isn't final.  The Bible tells me so.